“I, King John, By the Grace of God. . ."

“Here, attended by my thick but excellently paid retainer, Putridge,
to my dear and well beloved people of Libber Tool. . .” “Sire, it’s
Liverpool. . .” “Ah, yes, as you say, Putridge, ah hem, begin again:

“I, King John, of England and Ireland not forgetting the Isle of Dogs,
to my dear and well beloved people of Leber School. . .” “Sire, it’s
Liver-poooool. . .” “Right, Putridge, mmmmm, let's start the tape again:

“I, King John, etcetera etcetera ad infinitum, to my dear and well
beloved people of Litter Drool. . .” “Your majesty, I beg to say, it’s
Liver-pooooool. . .” “Of course it is, Putridge, well, we don’t need

“to dictate it, do we, you know what to say, you know the name of the place,
Ligger Stool. Give ‘em the Standard King John Number 1 Charter, eh?
Putridge, I say, while we’re at it, give 'em a royal forest in Toxteth too.

“Just keep that blooming Robin Hood fellow out it, I’ve had quite enough
of him and his Merry Men. The blighters stopped being funny long ago.
What’s this place Licker Hool known for, anyway? I’ve never heard of it.”

“Beetles, sir. I think from the Pool from which it gets its name: water beetles, that is.
And, I’ve heard tell, two football teams, one plays in Blue and chews toffee,
the other plays in Red has a Kop choir singing that they'll never walk alone.”

“Ah, all very good, Putridge, while I think of it give ‘em a big green bird
and call it the Liver Bird. Give my dear, well beloved people of Liver-pool
two green birds on top of a tall building. Now, Putridge, show in my jester.”

By Christopher T. George