One Monday I got a call
sorry to bovver yer
but could you supply a Toffee Lady?

As I worked with
a well mannered young man
curly black hair, bone white grin
borne of pure blue blood
a celibate with only one passion
the religion that is Everton
so I suggested him.

And so it was ...
every fortnight
polite quiet, with nothing to say
just beamed with joy
as he donned her dress
A Disney character, but nevertheless
the only real job he lived for
until one terrible day
such a terrible day
they sent him away

I went to commiserate with a poor shocked child
but instead found not a boy but a man
a man with a rapturous look
of someone who had achieved his ultimate dream
a man beyond redemption.

The sun beat down on a sell out ground
as our Toffee Lady
gracefully started round
head bobbing swaying to that raucus tannoy
a regal wave at the royal Ken
bestowing toffees from her basket to
the young
and those less fortunate than her
eventually reaching the visitors stand
she turned and dropping her trousers
mooned at the United fans.

Nil Satis Nisi Optimum

By D. Lokhead